Constantly in pain

So, I have been very honest about my feelings on this blog. And I will continue to do so in the post you are about to read. Honestly, lately, it has been hard. Not that anyone could tell. And I didn’t want people to be able to see my pain.

It has been more than 5 years since my beautiful mom has passed and left me with a permanent hole in my heart. I always say, my life is great even though she isn’t in it. And I still stand by that. I do. But I cannot say I don’t crumble when no one notices. The reason I always cry at deaths in movies and series (especially the dramatic ones) is because I feel the pain so vividly. I feel the pain that the characters are feeling in a way no one will ever understand.

I break down sometimes. And I need it, in a weird way. Crying and feeling the pain so intensely is a reminder. A reminder of how far I’ve come since that traumatic day on the 25th of April 2015. Yet, I cannot say it doesn’t hurt not to see my moms proud face at the end of the day. It stings, everyday. Seeing big families celebrate milestones in a way me and my brothers will never can. It hurts. So many milestones were taken from us that day.

Sitting here and typing this, is so therapeutic. In the first weeks when you lose your mom or another loved one, you are almost expected to be sad. People feel that you HAVE to be sad because you are supposed to be grieving. And you are, even though everyone grieves differently. My way was to keep going and work my ass off.

I have a super busy schedule. People ask me how I do it but honestly, it is my distraction. Keeping busy and having something to do ensures that I won’t have to feel the pain. And I only recently realised this. I handed in my thesis over a week ago and every time I am done working, I don’t know what to do. Of course, there are things to do in the house but not for 5 hours or more. I don’t know what I should do and my mind starts wandering. Thinking of the amazing but also painful memories of me and my mom come to mind. The pain surfaces again and I break down, when no one sees.

And honestly, I just know that I am not the only one who does this. I know that there are people who’ve lost someone 10s of years ago and they still feel the same. Peace and quiet is almost impossible, at least for me. That is okay. We’ve processed the death of our loved one. We grieved, a lot. But we will never stop grieving. The pain we feel, is pain which will always be as intense as the day we lost our loved one. That never stops. Over time, you just find your coping mechanism and continue, continue the painful fight each day, even though you smile and even though you are happy. It will never be like you imagined.

It took me quite a while to accept that but over time I did. My life is not like I pictured it to be, but it is still great. But it is also painful in some way. Because that pain is a kind of pain which will never leave. And that’s okay.

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